Entitlement.

en·ti·tle·ment
enˈtītlmənt/
noun
  1. 1.
    the fact of having a right to something.
    “full entitlement to fees and maintenance should be offered”
    synonyms: rightprerogativeclaim; More

     

    I love that you can put a word into google and it brings back the definition.  Technology.

    Entitlement is a word I have been struggling with lately.  This word has brought me freedom at times and then pain times.  It’s the thorn in my side lately.  It is the root of where the majority of my problems are these days.  When you lose something like a child in your life, I think entitlement is something that comes along with it.  This is what I went through and now that it’s over, I’m entitled to something.  That entitlement can be a wide range of things from feeling the “fact of have a right” to a better life, better friends, better marriage, better kids.  Whatever it may be.

    It has been my excuse for awhile now.  I act the way I do or say something a certain way because I feel like I entitled to do it because of her.  I feel like I’m looking at my life and it’s a lifetime movie of textbook things that happen when someone loses a child.  Why am I so cliche?  Why can’t I pave my own path and not do all the things that people traditionally do?

    My Mom tells me that there are so many things in my life that I can’t change that are awful so I’m trying to get rid of everything in my life that I can change because that will make my life somehow different.  It will give me that life I feel I’m entitled to.   I can see that.  I see myself pushing people away or completely cutting them out because I’m somehow entitled to an easier life and having them in it is too hard.  What bullshit that is, right?

    How long can things I do or say be written off because of my situation?  I feel like that time is ending.  My days of entitlement are ending.  Although other people will probably say that what happened will effect me forever so these things thoughts are maybe just the new me?  Wow.  I hope that’s not the case.  I watch myself from a far and think, who is that person?  That person is drowning in entitlement.

    I think I’m just going through time and space trying to find out what I look like now. Who am I?  I was once a pretty cool person who did the right things and was concerned for other’s feelings.  Now I feel words like entitlement or selfish or disconnected coming through.  Can’t have that.

    I think there is a fine line between having your past mold you and having your past take over your life.  It needs to start molding me.  I see it starting to through my want to write again.  It’s hard to not write about her because when I open up a blank document, it the first thing that my hands are wanting to do.  It’s their routine.  I just feel like she is so good at pulling me.  But the two year mark is approaching and I should be going another direction.  Then comes the guilt of wanting to forget her.  The back and forth on it is exhausting.  I’ve completely stopped visiting her because I feel like I’m someone she wouldn’t recognize so I just stop going. I’m sure she wouldn’t judge me.  I’m just trying to figure things out.  I’m trying to find Erin without Isabella.  But instead maybe I should be Erin with Isabella, just a quieter Isabella and a little less entitlement about her.

    Ramble ramble ramble.. I need to quit this Lifetime movie.  I know how some of them end.  But some end with some woman looking out a window, just smiling at the sky.  Thinking of what all she went through and how she came out on the other end.  Maybe that’s my movie?