So as time moves on, it seems that my other two children are growing despite my best efforts. Grant is now in a big boy bike and losing teeth by the handful. Sophia is a rotten 3-year-old that is stubborn and like to talk my ear off. As they grow, I find myself purging and purging to make room for new age appropriate things. Luckily, my neighbor Andrea had a garage sale last weekend that benefitted Ib’s foundation. Perfect excuse, I tell myself to send some stuff out of here. Grant’s stuff is easy. I mean really, how many Star Wars shirts and madras shorts does one child need. He’s practically wearing Stuart’s size so his stuff is easily thrown into a pile and shipped off. Sophia’s stuff seems more personal because it’s girl stuff. Who can rid of skinny jeans in a size 2 or cheetah print flats? But I know that there is no longer a use for them in this house because this reproductive system is down for the count. But as I rummage through her piles I find random things that were passed down from Isabella. A lot of her size 2 clothing has more than just Sophia’s fingerprint on it. They are the pajamas that Isabella wore the first time she got chemotherapy, or the t-shirt she was diagnosed in or the green dress we bought at the gap in New York City with the matching tights that had the bear on her bum of them. I find my stomach in knots as I make piles to pass along. It’s like that scene in Ghost when the character Molly starts going through Sam’s things when he passed away. He stands beside her watching her save concert tickets for a concert they hated or a pack of mints. He’s standing there saying, “What are you doing Molly? We hated that concert!”. He’s telling her that the shit is stupid and to throw it away. I tell myself that she would say the same thing to me. But in fact any time I did a hunt for goodwill, it would always have to be done while she was at school because she would FREAK if she saw me donating it. Crap she didn’t even play with suddenly became a prized possession. So because of this, I’m holding on to just about everything. Sure, I let a couple of items go into the garage sale – hoping they would be picked up by someone I knew so I could feel better knowing they are in a good home. But honestly, I sat at the sale.. watching people by these worthless items of her and I wanted to stop each and every one of them on the way out. Grab the items and run off in the distance and hide in a bush.
Last year on her 7th birthday, we had to spend the day in the clinic getting blood and platelets. Another holiday ruined. The staff at the clinic rummaged through their toy closets and provided her with all these random gifts in her transfusion station. A weird horse barn and prairie (with no horses), a spray on tattoo kit (yikes), Highschool Musical paraphernalia etc.. All stuff that didn’t get the chance to be played with because things happened so quickly in the end. Those were easy tosses over to the sale because it would be years before Sophia was even interested.. if she were interested at all. But I just sat there staring at these items on the table. I wanted to make myself a little secret pile of things but I knew I needed to let them go. And sure enough, they were purchased. My first real experience of giving away her things.. and I felt like I was going to vomit the whole time.
Which leads me to the big-ticket item. As I mentioned earlier, the kids are growing. Sophia’s bed (actually just her mattress) is on the floor of her room. We did this as an easy transition to a big girl bed. The crib was not a convertible bed so it has been packed in the attic for almost a year now. The rest of the nursery furniture is still in Sophia’s room. Yes, it is her furniture. But it was also Grant’s furniture and Isabella’s furniture. Stuart and I wandered around a baby store with Isabella in my belly and picked this beautiful furniture out. Of course it had the matching rocker with pink fabric because Isabella’s nursery was ALL pink. Pink bunnies was the decoration and we went with it. Pink bunny chair from Pottery Barn, pink bunny stuffed animals.. you name it. And so all this stuff sits in Sophia’s room today. But now she is ready for her big girl furniture. Her “Bella Bed” as she calls it. She wants a bed not on the floor but an actual bed like Isabella had. And with this request comes a move that I don’t want to make. Getting rid of Isabella’s nursery furniture.
I had an internal breakdown about a spray on tattoo kit that she never even used just a few days ago. And now I’m supposed to get rid of the crib she slept in? The chair I breastfed her in and rocked her to sleep in? Are you friggin’ crazy? Yes, apparently you are because new furniture was ordered for Sophia and I had to watch two sweaty guys carry her nursery furniture to my garage. Little did they know the significance of this furniture and if they so much of scratched it I would stab them in the neck.
So now every day I pull my car in tightly because the garage is filled with this furniture. Little does Stuart know that this furniture is going nowhere. I feel myself aching to purchase a storage facility to house all of the stuff that I go crazy about. “Yeah, I sold that furniture!”. Hell no I didn’t. It’s sitting in a storage facility just a couple of miles away so I can go and sit in that rocker when I have free time and feel at home. Statements like this make me think that I’m going to be a crazy person someday. I will be buried under a pile of her clothes in a secret storage facility or something.
And I know what everyone says.. take your time. Get rid of things when it feels right. Well it feels hella wrong still and I’m holding on to stuff like grim death. I know… baby steps right? No pun intended with the nursery furniture. But for now, I’m just not ready to part with a single item… and will start researching storage facilities tomorrow.