For a couple of weeks now I have found myself to be a little rough around the edges. My corners are sharp and I am quick to bite. I’m not really that enjoyable to be around. My kids are driving me ape shit crazy. By the end of the night I have considered packing my bags and throwing my dog in the back of the car and just driving away. My son is has a smart mouth, my daughter is needy and my husband is in an even worse mood than I am. My skin hasn’t seen the sun in months. I’m so pale that I’m practically see-through. The stress of the day has me all broken out with dry itchy skin. My roots are growing in and I have split ends. My dog is slowly dying in front of me. He can’t hear, he can barely get down the steps and I’m waiting for the morning that I come downstairs to find him dead in my living room. It seems everyone I talk to is in a funk. Every time I pick up the phone the person on the other side is too, bitching about their kids, their husband, their job, their fat ass or their crazy family. Or better yet, it seems that everyone seems to be dying. I’m not sure if Isabella has opened the window on cancer but everyone in my life is finding a tumor lately. This person has a tumor in her back, this person’s mom has cancer, this person just died from cancer, this person’s cancer just blew up all through their body. Really? Is it just me or do you all have bad news coming at you from every angle?
Even good news is bad news. Just this morning I’m sitting with a friend who is thinking about looking for a new job because she hates hers but is afraid to get a new job because EVERYBODY SHE KNOWS that has a new job hates it. Seriously? I thought getting new job was a good thing? Now it is so bad that is forcing you to stay in YOUR bad job?
I feel like I go to lunch with friends and after we all bitch for awhile I come back to my same ole’ statement. I think it’s just the weather. We North Carolina peeps are not accustomed to wearing winter coats in April. It’s just not how we roll. And I really think it’s f’ing with our heads! We are complaining and fighting and over it. The weather seems to be messing with our entire lives. Just this week I skipped my normal Wednesday visit with Isabella because I told myself out loud that I refuse to go out there anymore until the tree in front of her memorial gets some buds on it. Can you even believe I said that? But you know what? I didn’t go out there! It was bitter cold and I knew I couldn’t sit there and look at that dead tree anymore. I didn’t go and visit my daughter’s site because of a dead tree. Now, that is the weather screwing with my mind. But also I knew that if I went out there, that tree would piss me off and I would sit there with her and rant and rave about so and so driving me crazy, Daddy’s grumpy, the dog isn’t doing well. And let’s face it. Even dead people don’t want to hear all that.
I honestly do try to drag myself out of this. I wake up each morning and think. Enough is enough. I’ve always been a firm believer in the power to slap yourself out of something. “Pull it together”, I tell myself several times a week. But by mid-day I find myself saying, “Damn, I am aggressive today!” and it’s 10am.
So what do I do to solve this? I load my grumpy family up in the car and drive them 8 hours to the sunny state of… Ohio. Yep. Barren trees, 27 degrees, cold, no sun. It’s like I’ve been thrown into hell. Fuel on my fire. This week I have kids running around a house because it’s too cold to play outside (but one of mine is missing), a trip up to Cleveland (even colder ) to see another grieving friend of mine, a funeral and visitation for a Great Uncle, lots of exciting stuff on the horizon.
Normally, I would call up some of my friends that are “Rainbows and Unicorn” friends. You know those people that are always happy? Those women who LOVE being pregnant or LOVE spending hours at a time doing LEGOs with their kids or ironing their husbands shirts. Believe it or not, I’m friends with some of those people. I feel that having those people in my life evens me out a bit. Sure, they drive me crazy too but I always leave them feeling a little bit better about life. But even my rainbow and unicorn friends are grumpy. They too are yelling at their kids, nursing back to health after back tumors or going to their Grandma’s funeral. WTF?
Maybe the answer is alcohol?? Drunks might have all the answers. It masks the pain.. you feel happy, you look better, feel better.. and damn are things funnier when you drink. I know I am.
The reason I’m vomiting all this aggressiveness is because I often find that when I write, I feel better. For me, writing is like writing that letter and then throwing it in the fireplace. I just feel better having gotten it all out of me. And even as I wrote earlier that I skipped my Ib visit because of the damn tree, I thought to myself. I didn’t really do that… did I? That is non-sense. I’m seeing her the minute I get back in town. Even if that tree is not ready to bloom. Even if it’s raining. Even if there is a dead squirrel in front of her memorial. Maybe telling her that this winter is killing us all will turn it around. Maybe she knows someone upstairs and will tell them, “Look, warm up this place before my Mom kills somebody.” Throw us a bone already.
I think it’s time to drink a peach bellini while sitting in a tanning booth. UV rays and alcohol.. Just the thought of that makes me happy.
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